Inside of You
by little.earthquakes
Summary: It starts during 7.04. After a fight with Luke and Chris, Lorelai loses an unborn child she didn't know about. Luke decides to take care of her, looking over their messed up situation. Read and find out how it continues. /ON HOLD INDEFINITELY/ SORRY!
1. Chapter One

**Inside of You**

_Disclaimer:__ Seriously, if I owned those characters I would have hung myself already for doing such a bad job writing the crap we got to watch last season._

_A/N:__ I know the subject I'm dealing with in this story here is kinda tough and honestly I never wanted to write drama but sometimes life just doesn't ask for a happy fairytale and happens. Some of you might already know why I chose to write it. To the rest: I hope you like to follow my story of Luke and Lorelai dealing with something major happenings in their life. Enjoy._

_The story is meant to happen during episode 7.04 when Lorelai and Christopher had their date. I'm sorry that Chris appears in this story but I promise to get rid of him soon ;)_

_Big thanks here to my beta readers Jessi and Elizabeth. You two are the best!_

_Side note:__ It's my third story written in English so please be nice :). I think I'll stick with T rating the whole story. And now enjoy. Reviewing is, of course, always appreciated :D_

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**°°°°° Chapter One °°°°°**

Sometimes the answer you have always looked for lies just inside of you.

°°°

It was her first date in almost two years and it was a first date with a man she had already had a lot of first dates with. However the time had never been right for them. At least that was what he had told her and she wanted to believe that.

When it came to Chris, her life usually turned into a disaster whenever he showed up, but after all that had happened with Luke he was the only one who still wanted her and wanted to do everything to make it work, and that was exactly what she needed at the moment. A man that would fight for her.

Although the idea of her and Chris as a couple made her feel sick, she was willing to give it a try. After all, he had always wanted to marry her ever since she had Rory and right now that her life was turned upside down she felt the confidence to start over with him. She was willing to forget how happy she had been with Luke. She wanted badly to forget the bad times that were haunting her sleep as well. She wanted her thoughts to be Luke-free and her head filled with memories that didn't hurt. Memories that didn't matter so much and weren't worth holding on to, and with Chris it could work.

So she got herself ready for her date even though it felt weird. She didn't dress up usually, being nervous at the same time about the choice of clothes. She never had had to impress Luke so he would find her sexy. Although she loved making him blush when she wore a short skirt and a top that would play with her female curves. He would look at her in amazement even if she would have worn just jogging pants and a shirt. He had been always that kind of guy that -- She had to stop thinking about the man she had left. It was not good to torture herself and to waste her time thinking of him. She had to focus on the man that would knock on her door soon to pick her up to a very romantic date.

Searching for something that Chris would like, she randomly chose the green dress hanging in the very back of her closet. She had bought it together with Rory when she had been depressed that her coffee maker broke and Luke didn't want to fix it within the next two days. That was because she hadn't listened to him when he had warned her not to plug it in the same outlet as the toaster, saying something about the power line and her circuit breakers. She had been stubborn and Luke had taught her the hard way by not fixing it immediately.

She smiled but it faded soon and turned into a low, calm breath. Of course, another memory of Luke. Another thing she had forgotten to pack into her garage. This man was impossible to get rid of! Everything she owned had a connection to him in some way or the other.

The thought itself caused her a second of a tummy ache and her eyebrows cocked. She got mad at him. Sure, it wasn't his fault that he was present everywhere, but how much did she had to suffer?

"Get finally out of my life!" she thought out loud and grabbed the dress. She would wear it. She would give it another meaning. It would become a dating dress she would choose to wear for Chris and it would no longer hang here and mock her. It looked too nice to be thrown into a box that would mold in her garage for decades. Plus he had told her that he had a surprise for her and she wanted to surprise him with her outfit.

She checked herself in the bathroom mirror as she heard the door bell ringing. She was planning to enjoy the evening. She wanted to experience the whole concept of a new man. She was sure about that and grabbed her lipstick to add some colour and give herself more confidence that this was the right thing to do. When she got on her shoes, she gave the mirror a last glance "I'm starting over today." she told her reflection and nodded while giving it a smile. She didn't know yet that the past would not allow that.

°°°

Their date went perfect. They watched a movie, picked up her mom from the police station, and were now heading for her home. Their date had had something romantic, something incredibly funny and now the part with trusting and letting someone into your life would start.

She had sorted it all out in her head while she had been away for her date. Luke had never been the one. It was Chris she had a daughter with. It was him who had wanted to marry her right from the start and he had been there when she had needed someone that night she broke up with Luke. And, after all, he still was here.

She felt happy when she had her mind finally agreeing with her. Her gaze fell on the man beside her and he smiled when she looked at him with her big blue eyes.

She glanced away quickly, though, to look out of the window and took a breath. Who was she kidding?

She didn't feel that ready for him. She didn't feel ready at all to start something new. She felt sick since she and Luke had broken up. She hadn't eaten much nor was she sleeping well. She tried to stop her mind from thinking by working like a horse. This thing here with Chris was a lie but she had to move on.

She looked over at him again and he placed a hand on hers. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, everything is fine," she lied.

The truth was that because of the pain of losing her best friend and the love of her life she didn't feel well. The last weeks full of stress seemed to have had an effect on her. She felt blurry here and there, had been throwing up several times during the last weeks and tonight her belly was hurting from time to time. Of course her body had to mess with her on her date. Yet she didn't think about it much though. She blamed it on the food and that she probably didn't eat enough. And Chris didn't need to know about it. He had been sweet on the date and she would give him a chance to make this evening perfect.

She smiled at him but when she prepared her mind for where the evening might lead, she felt that pain again. It was sharp and she couldn't really decipher the source but it felt like one of her inner organs was cramping.

"Ouch…" she said as her hand went to her abdomen.

"You okay?" Chris asked.

"It's nothing," she waved him off. "Just… ouch," the cramp went right thru her whole body.

"Lor?" he asked again, a little bit worried.

"I.. I don't know. Your food is attacking me," she joked, trying to keep up the good mood.

"My food?"

"Well the food from the restaurant you picked!"

"It's not attacking me, so it must be you."

"How charming," she slapped him on the arm.

He chuckled at their bantering. He was proud that he was going home with her. It was really going well for him. She was open for new opportunities and he liked that. Maybe that diner owner wasn't that important to her after all.

His hand found hers and he intertwined their fingers. She smiled. The pain from two minutes ago had already subsided.

°°°

They arrived in the drive way just then and got out of the car together. The air was warm and Lorelai really was considering taking this date a little bit further. She really had had a nice evening. She had managed not to think about Luke the whole time and Chris was being very patient with her. And her stomach would calm down eventually.

"So Lorelai, what do you say about a glass of wine on the couch?" he asked, singing in her ear.

"Uhm.. why not," she answered and tried to get rid of the uneasiness that rushed through her veins. With one quick move she angled his forearm and was leading him in the direction of her front porch.

They didn't come far though. Someone stepped out of her garage, almost bumping into them.

"Oh I'm sorry Babette I didn't mean to take so lo.." the man trailed off when his eyes had finally managed to gaze up from the ground and he could see whom he had almost tripped over. The surprise was clearly written in his face. "Lorelai? Chr.." he swallowed realizing what kind of situation he must have disturbed. "Erm, don't feel bothered... I'll be gone soon."

Lorelai's heart sank.

Closing her eyes as if she could be somewhere else right now, she turned around "L.. Luke?" she managed with weak and shaky voice.

Her wishes weren't heard. She was right. There he was, Luke. The man who had been her fiancé three months ago. The man that had hurt her like no one else before and the one that made her still ache for him painfully.

"Wha.. what.. ar…" but her voice was just gone.

"I'm sorry to disturb you," he said sad with a glimpse of anger when he actually saw Christopher standing right next to Lorelai like it was the most normal thing in the world. "I.. " he took a deep breath and brought more force into the voice. "I was looking for a small metal thing from the boat. It must have fallen off when you sent it to me and since I cannot get it at a shop anymore because apparently the thing is as old as the boat itself, I thought it might still be in your garage."

Lorelai was still starring at him like she was in trance. Her breathing was calm and heavy at the same time. She hadn't seen him in weeks and of all the things in the world she did not wish to happen right now, Luke seeing her on a date with Christopher was definitely high on the list.

"Did you find anything?" he tried to sound hopeful.

"I cleaned the whole room after I got rid of all your stuff."

She sounded icy. It almost seemed like autopilot. The feeling of hurt transformed into a wall of defence when she saw him and he standing there in his blue flannel with his blue baseball cap looking at her like _her Luke_ was like a dream out of an alternative universe. But she knew this here was real and the distance between both of them right there. It had been a desert of communication and now there was just silence left for them. Right now it was just too much for her to deal with.

Apparently her stomach agreed with her on that.

"Ouch," she felt a sharp pain and her hand went down to her abdomen immediately.

Chris saw her facial expression changing from shocked to painful and decided facing Luke and having trouble with the meal they had was not a good combination "Lorelai come on. Let's get into the house and have some ginger ale to get rid of your stomach ache."

Luke was about to say something but one sharp glance from Christopher silenced his concerned look. He couldn't do anything. He was not in the position anymore to be there for her. Even though his anger was rising with every minute because he knew exactly what Chris was up to, he stayed calm. It was none of his business anymore. He had to let her go.

Days after the break up he had already realized that Chris wasn't the only person to judge for what had happened that night. It had been him who hadn't been there for Lorelai in the first place and it was her who gave their relationship the final kick. They all had had their input in this mess and he knew that.

"Luke should go now," Chris stated as he wrapped one arm around Lorelai, who was just looking passively onto the ground, to make it even clearer he was now the man at Lorelai's side.

"Just.. just look out for her," he said quietly before he started moving away from the front yard.

"And Luke…."

"Yeah," he turned around.

"Just don't come here again. You have done enough for her already."

"Chris.." Lorelai spoke up to silence him with the annoyance in her voice. She didn't want to have an argument right now. She was tired and she still could feel her stomach hurting a little. She just wanted to get inside.

Luke took a sharp inhale through his clench teeth "You're not even worth arguing with," he shouted and began again to walk away.

"Don't play the puppy now that got kicked, man. What happened was your own fault," he snapped at him with a small smile appearing on his lips.

_He really had to start this now._

"Chris…. Please," Lorelai shut her eyes tight and wished again to just disappear. She could already feel Luke's anger rising.

And as expected Luke stepped angrily forward "Hey, you don't have any right to judge.."

"Luke.." Lorelai pleaded desperately but she sensed it was already too late. They seemed to ignore her begging them not to fight. With a deep sigh, she let her head drop into her palms. "Here we go," she mumbled and listened to the two fighting testosterone-loaded males in her garden.

°°°

"I'm with her now. Don't you get that, diner man? I already told you once that you were just the 'for now' guy. Now, she left you," he said with disgust.

"You better shut up otherwise…"

"And if not then what? Will you punch me again like a jealous monkey? You lost her buddy. You messed up big time. She came to me," pointing with a finger at himself to make it visible to Luke that he wasn't welcome here anymore.

"And you couldn't be just a supportive friend, huh? You had to jump her right then,"' he yelled back in the same tone.

"Luke, Chris. Stop it!" Lorelai said angry. "This is not the time."

"Well actually Lorelai this is exactly the right time. Now that we're all here," Chris barked and got louder with every word, waving the red flag for all of them.

Lorelai jumped in. She had to end this. "Chris shut up! What happened between me and Luke is none of your business. I can speak for myself if I have to. I'm not a silly helpless girl that needs a macho man to yell at her ex boyfriend for her," she shouted at him, which caught him off guard.

"And Luke!" she turned faced him now. "You have no right to turn up and be moody on my date. You didn't want to have me. You didn't come after me. You let me go. You kept secrets. You have no reason to act jealous now. So go!" It was hard for her to throw all those things right at him. She knew she had been a factor as well but it was too much to take right now.

"You cheated on me Lorelai. You left me no choice. It had to be right then. You didn't give me time, neither to marry you nor to explain my situation."

"You kept your daughter from me. What is there to explain?" She was yelling now.

He was silent for a moment "And you had to go to him," his finger went to Chris. "Right after we broke up. Oh, sorry, after you broke up and forgot to tell me."

"After you didn't want to marry me."

"You gave me a stupid ultimatum!"

"And you pushed me away!" Her eyes were showing tears now and her voice got almost stuck in the flow of emotions that blurted out together with the words she directed at Luke.

"But him Lorelai? Really?" his finger remained on a lost-looking Christopher. "For god's sake we wanted to marry. We wanted to have kids. Did that mean anything at all to you?"

She just looked at him.

"And after a few weeks you're already dating him?" he continued "Dating the man who let you down with your child?"

That was a point and it hit her right in the guts. A wave of aching returned but she tried to swallow it and not to look weak.

"Hey, hey, hey," Chris interrupted him "You are telling me I'm not good for her? Look in the mirror, diner man. I didn't have secrets I hid from her."

"Chris please," she tried again to silence him but he wouldn't listen.

"And for the records: I did not abandon my daughter!" he continued. Throwing angry words on him.

"No, you just disappeared during history over and over again," Luke said flatly. He didn't have the energy and time to argue with this fool.

"And you?" he started laughing. "You cannot even give her a life. You don't even have enough money to buy yourself some proper clothes."

"I don't leave a woman alone with a newborn child!" he fought back.

"She was gone," he screamed.

"And you didn't search."

"Stop it!! Both of you!" Lorelai yelled at them. "Neither of you has the right to judge my life or the decisions I make and with whom I want to spend my time with."

"Well I'm sorry, Lorelai, that I care about you," Luke said upset and looked right into her eyes. She could feel the sadness that lay in his glance.

"It's too late, Luke," she responded calmer and shook her head when she fought back the tears that wanted to well up. She had a hard time looking him into the eyes. "It's too late now."

He lowered his head.

Chris on the other hand who was still angry about him ruining the evening he planned to have with Lorelai, walked right in front of him.

"Go now, diner man," he barked. "I'll send you a check so that you can buy whatever you need for that shipwreck of yours. Don't bother showing up again."

"Back away right now," he said while trying to keep control of his right fist.

"Chris! Luke! Can you two finally--" but she didn't speak any further. Her stomach hurt again and she pressed her hand hard against her belly, bending over a bit.

"Luke, she wants you to go. So leave," Chris insisted. But Luke ignored him and quickly got on Lorelai's side, touching her shoulders and trying to protect her from falling down.

When she felt his fingers on her, the next cramp followed and her breathing got faster.

"Lorelai are you alright?" he asked concerned although it was obvious that she was not.

"Ow!" A painful groan left her throat and the pain caused her to let herself sink to the ground. Both her arms were holding her tummy and her eyes got wet from the ache she felt inside her body.

"My god Lorelai, talk to me. What's wrong?" Luke was helpless and hated that he didn't know what was hurting her. He kneeled down next to her, running his eyes over her body to find a source for her sudden pain.

"Lorelai?" Chris shook her lightly, his voice also full of worry.

"Luuke…" she called his name and started crying. She was rocking back and forth on her knees with her upper body to breath through the pain. It was a pain she had never felt before in her life. It was as if something was pulling on her guts only to loosen them again and to tie a knot afterwards to have the opportunity to tear it apart.

"Luke," she grabbed his hand and he could feel her fingernails digging into it. She looked up at him with glassy eyes as her gasping for air went from deep to heavy until it was erratic. He could read it in her glance before she even said a word. "Help me," she whispered full of pain when her head fell into his lap. And he also could hear it in her voice that she needed him right now. He could feel it with every fibre of his body that something serious was not right with her.

"Christopher, you drive! " he said when he pushed him up to go and turn on the engine.

"What are you talking about?"

"We have to get her to the hospital!" he shouted. It was an order, not something he would argue about.

Christopher reacted immediately when he saw Lorelai's eyes pressed together in pain. Luke was right. Something was happening to her that needed a doctor. He got his car keys out of the jacked and ran to his car.

Meanwhile, Luke tried to help her up carefully. But when she curled up in a ball because of another cramp he forgot about that and lifted her off the ground. He carried her carefully to the car.

Chris started the motor right after Luke crawled into the back with Lorelai.

"Ready?"

"Yeah," he confirmed and tried to give Lorelai as much comfort as possible by stroking over her back. She still was very tense under his touch and he grew more worried with every passing second.

"Hit the gas pedal and don't you dare even think about hitting the brakes," he called from the backseat to Christopher.

On that note, Chris got out of the driveway and headed to the hospital.

°°°

During the drive, Lorelai's condition got worse. She was sweating all over and her breathing increased because of a different, much more forceful pain. Luke was holding her hand and she squeezed it hard every time she felt a cramp.

"Lorelai," he was shaking her lightly. "Do you have any idea what is wrong?" It was frightening him not to know what was causing her such physical torture. It was one thing for him to wish that she felt the same hurt that he did after she left him but to see her like that fighting with her health was breaking his heart.

"Hey," he spoke quietly again reminding her of the question and at the same time made sure that she was still with him.

"I don't know." Her breathing was heavy and long. "I don't know. It hurts like hell."

"Where?" he pushed a strand of hair out of her face tucked it behind her ear.

"My tummy." She could barely speak clearly. Her eyes were closed while she tried to be strong and to sit it out and hide how bad it really felt. But the next wave hit hard and she couldn't hold anything together anymore.

"Aahh-hahh!" Tears ran down her face, now covering it in a grey glistening curtain made out of wet mascara and salt. She curled up and Chris too was now worried as hell as he saw her in the rear view mirror.

"How far away are we, Luke?" he asked from the front. He couldn't believe that their food had been foul and she was the only one who had actually gotten sick.

"Ten minutes…. take that right turn at the traffic light there," he said kind of absent, looking out of the window and making sure that Christopher would not stop at the red light. He didn't. He was driving at a steady speed of 65 miles per hour.

Luke felt Lorelai's hand grabbing for his again. He looked down and smiled at her "Hey it will be alright," he reassured her and gently stroked her forehead. Her skin felt hot and sweaty there and after a growl out of her throat she started shaking.

"Shhh" His head went closer to hear ear. "Just be strong a little while longer. We're almost at the hospital and then you'll get help."

She nodded in response but when the pain struck deeper, her breathing turned into frantic gasping for air and she kicked one of her feet against the car door in a weak attempt to fight the pain.

"Hurry up," he said to Chris.

Then it fell silent for a while.

Chris was driving quietly and Luke was sitting there with his eyes on the woman lying next to him. Her breathing seemed to be calmer now and he figured her cramps had subsided a little bit, which was a small relief. He had her head resting in his lap and let his fingers slowly glide over it to give her comfort.

He felt sorry that he had yelled at her earlier. She had told them that it wasn't the right time and he had ignored her comment because he was upset. It had been wrong and he knew that. Now his best friend was in deep pain and he was angry with himself that he had acted like a jerk. Who knew if he had pushed her into that bad state she was in right now.

Luke sighed and let his sad eyes wander onto the street outside. _If they would just already be at the hospital!_

It wasn't long when a finger tapped him on his arm. "Luke?" Lorelai's eyes searched for contact.

His face went down to see hers.

"I.. I think I have wet myself," she sniffed with a slight trace of embarrassment.

"It's okay," he said and put down his jacked which he had wrapped around her earlier so that it would cover her hips. But when his eyes travelled over her body to her legs he saw blood instead of urine running down her skin.

"Oh my god," he whispered, unable to look away.

"What?" she asked, worried, looking into his eyes and searching for an answer but he didn't get the time to tell her. Helpless, he had to watch as her attention went back to what was happening inside of her. Her face went blank in an instant when a new cramp seemed to overpower her and a loud scream rang through the car and forced her almost fall off the backseat.

Luke reacted immediately and was trying to hold her in place. She was burying her face deep into his side and he folded his arms protectively around her while she cried and curled up in pain.

To get a better grip on her, he wrapped one am around her thighs and it was exactly in that moment that it shocked him to the bottom to his soul. The nerves on his fingertips suddenly felt something like mucous. They also could sense a steady rush of warm liquid running down his palm. And when his eyes moved to search for the source and caught the fresh red blood soaking her panties and half of her dress, his brain was no longer able to tell him that she might just have a hard time with her period. With eyes wide open, he started calling her name several times but it was too late. She had already lost consciousness.

Then suddenly he felt numb for what was happening around him.

°°°

They seemed to have stopped at some point and he could tell that Chris was opening the door to get Lorelai out. But Luke didn't know anymore when the doctors had come and taken her onto a stretcher. He also couldn't tell how long they were examining her. He had no idea when he had sat down into one of those uncomfortable hospital chairs and he didn't even remember that Chris sat next to him the whole time. He was sure that at some point he said something about having called Rory and Lorelai's parents but other than that he was just sitting in silence and lost in thoughts, praying for Lorelai to be all right.

"Mr. Danes. Mr. Hayden?" a tall female interrupted him from his wandering thoughts. She was wearing a serious expression on her face, which caught his attention immediately.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," both said at the same time and got up, having those concerned looks that were pleading for an answer.

The doctor was looking from Luke to Chris and back again to Luke.

"Who is with Ms. Gilmore?"

Luke wanted to open his mouth and say he was but quickly remembered that things had changed. That he wasn't anymore with Lorelai. That their relationship was just a bittersweet memory that was no longer reality. He let out a sigh and looked down at his shoes as if they would have an answer for him.

"I am," Christopher responded with a certainty that caused Luke's heart to ache.

"Then you come with me," the female doctor said. "Ms. Gilmore will need someone being there for her now," and with that she excused herself from Luke and disappeared together with Chris behind a huge glass door.

"What happened to her?" he called a little bit too late after them and so all he got was his own voice in the form of an echo waving back at him, followed by the empty sound of the waiting room.

°°°

When the door opened and Lorelai saw just Christopher and the doctor her face turned blank. She had hoped Luke would still be here waiting. She tried to hide her disappointment and greeted both people silently.

She didn't know yet what had been causing her stomach aches. She had found her arm connected to IV fluids when she had woken up and realized that she must have been unconscious for a while because she couldn't remember when time had run that fast and went from 10 o'clock in the evening to 2 o'clock in the morning.

"Ms. Gilmore?" the young doctor called out. "Hello I'm Cassandra Luis, your doctor." she introduced herself with small smile.

Lorelai smiled politely back at her when she opened her file. Curiosity was now written in her eyes. She watched the young female when she silently read the diagnosis again and searched for eye contact.

Her glance fell on her. "Are you feeling better?"

Lorelai looked away for a moment but then nodded.

"Good. I guess… "she trailed off for a second and looked at Chris. "I guess we should talk then."

Her voice was calm and had a soft sound that made Lorelai feel comfortable in her presence.

"Ms. Gilmore?" she started again, now wearing a sorrowful expression that Lorelai feared to see. She knew something would follow and she might not like it.

"Yeah," she said quietly. Unsure what she was expecting, she sat up in her bed and looked with those big blue eyes at her, forming a question with every glance.

The young lady took a deep breath and began to break the news to her patient.

"When you were brought into this hospital tonight you had strong contractions of your uterus and your body was in a kind of a shock situation." Pause. "You also had lost a certain amount of blood," she stated matter-of-factly.

Lorelai nodded slowly, giving her a sign to continue but clearly not really knowing where she was going with this.

"It wasn't that much blood for your body to be in great danger," she continued slowly, taking a few steps in the direction of Lorelai "but -- for the fetus inside of you, it was lethal." She swallowed, allowing the tone in her voice to show the sadness. "Your tissue was too weak to hold on to the placenta for a reason we haven't found out yet. I'm sorry, Ms. Gilmore, but you had a miscarriage."

_**To be continued…**_

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_Thoughts? Questions? Anything? Let me know. :)_


	2. Chapter Two

**Inside of You**

_Disclaimer:__ I still own nothing. Damn!_

_A/N:__ Oh my god. You guys really made me blush when I read all your nice and positive reviews. Good lord I never got so many reviews for a story yet. You are amazing. And you guys really make me nervous about my story, you know? ;) It's not that I work under a huge pressure now to keep up with updating. LOL no it also has to be good. Well I hope I don't disappoint with this chapter. Let me know again what you think. _

_This chapter continues where chapter one finished._

_Big thank here again to my beta readers Jessi and Elizabeth. You two are amazing. You Jessi stopping me from writing nonsense and you Elizabeth are a big help with the grammar, plus your review via email is always the first one I get and that makes me so so happy. I couldn't do it without you two._

_Side note:__ You give me wings when you leave a review. It helps me writing. Really. ;) °hint°_

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**°°°°° Chapter Two °°°°°**

Lorelai was silent. There were no words on her mind and no voice to speak them. She was just staring at the young doctor, unable to say a thing. A breath was fighting against her apparently agglutinated throat to get out making it impossible for her to exhale. Her thoughts were crossing and blocking each other as the message slowly sank in.

Her mind went blank. _She had_, "What? "

It had sounded like something she would deny until her very last day on earth when it finally escaped out of her lungs with a gasp.

"You lost your baby", the doctor told her again, squeezing her hand while doing so. She looked at Christopher for a second as if to speak to him as well but her eyes mainly remained on her lost-looking patient.

Lorelai's face went pale in an instant and her hands started shaking while tugging a hair strain behind her ear. She couldn't see a thing. _So it must be her curls are in the way, right_? Some oxygen finally made its way into her lungs and she started hyperventilating for a second, her vision continually getting blurry. What was welling up in front of her pupils felt warm and wet.

"But I wasn't…" She wanted to protest, her head already shaking as to not allow her mind to believe what she had just heard.

The young doctor only nodded at her to reassure that there was no doubt about her diagnose.

"You were pregnant?" Christopher asked with enchantment in his eyes and rushed to her bedside, taking her hand in his. "Why didn't you say something?" he asked, not realizing Lorelai's own shock over the news.

His presence wasn't noticed by her. His words did not even reach her ears. She had yet to think how to respond to the information the doctor had just told her and the million questions that were racing through her head weren't much help to form words that would make sense.

She hadn't known. She just hadn't known. _God, why was her sight so blurry?_

"Which month?" her weak voice suddenly broke the silence.

"Almost the fourth," the young female said.

Lorelai inhaled deeply at the realization that she had been almost half the way through the pregnancy and that she had not just lost some cells that had been assuming shape but that it had actually been a tiny image of a human being growing inside of her.

She blinked stiffly several times when the questions all at once started to overflow her mind.

When had she become pregnant? Why hadn't she known? How did that happen anyway? Did she really just lose a baby? And why were they sharing this news with Christopher? Wasn't this talk supposed to be private?

But as the last question circled her mind, it dawned on her. The doctor must think – but that wasn't possible. It just wasn't. If anybody had managed to get her pregn - the realization crushed like a hammer right in the center of her head. "Oh my god," she whispered and her hand came to her mouth to cover it. "Luke," she called and her cheeks lost even more color when a rush of nausea seemed to creep over her stomach as she realized whose baby she had been carrying.

She tried to steady her sudden, short-hearted breath taking when the first tears finally made their way out of Lorelai's eyes and her mind connected the loose ends that would lead her mind to the one man she had spend her life with for the past two years.

"The baby wasn't ours then, I guess?" Christopher murmured sadly, more to himself than her.

Like in slow motion, Lorelai moved her head to look into his face. Disgust was written all over her salty, glistening eyes. "No! Of course not. What do you think?"

"Well we slept together," he stated flatly, shrugging with his shoulders. "And you haven't been with anyone since then, right?"

She had trouble believing what she was hearing. Had he forgotten that she had been engaged for a year to a man she wanted to have kids with before their one night? Didn't he care what just happened to her? Didn't he want to be there, no questions asked? Didn't he realize that what he was doing right now was no help at all? And had he still not realized that their night hadn't been that wonderful?

"It's only natural for me to assume that I might be the father?" he continued, smiling at her and stroking her arm in hope. Lorelai looked at him in disbelieve.

"I spent a night with you while I was crying my eyes out over the loss of Luke." She started with an angry- but also very weak voice, nodding slowly so he would understand what she was saying. "We didn't sleep together because we're madly in love with each other. We had sex." She paused. "I wasn't enjoying a night with an old friend, Chris. I was barely myself. I made a huge mistake that night and you know that." Her tone was serious, "And even though I didn't bring my rational mind with me that night, I did make sure we wouldn't create an offspring out of this mess."

He swallowed hard. "But it could have been a pos.. I just thought that..."

"No, Chris," her voice just above a whisper, "That's exactly the problem with you. You never think."

With new tears coming down, she was facing away and started staring at the corner of the room. She felt alone. There was nothing in the world that could be said that would take away the waves of pain that slowly sank into her conscious mind. It wasn't about what Chris thought nor that he was just being selfish. She didn't care that he had called their night amazing. He couldn't hurt her much because her feelings for him had never been strong. If she was honest, he didn't matter at all right now. But something else did and it was nagging at the inside of her: She had lost a baby. She had lost Luke's baby and she would never get that back.

°°°

It was repeating in her head like a broken gramophone record, getting louder every time the needle hit the scratch on the platter. It had been her and Luke's baby! It had been a product of their love for each other. It was supposed to be the cord that would have connected them forever and it was gone. Gone like him.

The flow of tears faded soon and her mind was just empty.

A nurse came into the room, handing the young doctor a sheet of paper and checking on Lorelai's IV catheter before she left again.

The doctor read the note on the paper silently and then tapped Chris on his shoulder, asking if he would leave now. She apologized for bringing him into the room, explaining that she had thought he was the father of the baby since he had said he was her partner and she had wanted Lorelai to not be alone while getting the diagnosis.

"It's fine," Lorelai had said. "It's fine," quietly repeating her words as her gaze drifted off again.

Chris stroked over Lorelai's hand and said he was sorry for earlier and that he would come back later to check on her.

But she hadn't heard him. Nor had she felt anything. Had he even said something? She clearly had seen his lips moving and she could sense some pressure on the outside of her hand but it had never reached her conscious mind and it was forgotten before she even realized that it happened.

°°°

Christopher left the room after the doctor gave him a nod. She then turned her attention back on Lorelai who seemed to sit emotionless on her bed.

"Ms. Gilmore, I need some information from you to fill out the blanks in your file," she said, encouraging her to talk.

No reaction.

"Ms. Gilmore?" she asked again, louder this time.

"Yeah?" Lorelai looked up suddenly as if someone had just scared her.

The female gave her an apologizing smile. "We need to discuss some things regarding your miscarriage."

Lorelai sniffed loudly. Hearing it again made it more real in some way. "Okay," she whispered, causing another tear to almost leave her eyes. But it remained in the corner of her eyelid, welling up just enough to make her glance glassy.

"When exactly did the cramps start?" she started her first question. Her eyes focused on Lorelai file.

"You... you mean today?" she had trouble speaking. It all seemed too much at once. Thinking, answering, speaking, digesting, breathing…

"Well did you have contractions the other day, too?" she asked surprised.

"I.. " she swallowed "I felt some pain last night when I was in bed sleeping. I woke up because of that but I didn't think much of it. I had some burritos for lunch, you know."

She heard the doctor's pen scratching on the paper, writing every word down.

"And today they started…?"

"Uhm.. tonight, in the evening. They were not bad at first and just here and there I felt something cramping. I thought it was the food." A laugh escaped her, thinking about her stupidity. "It got worse when I came home around ten." She got serious again. Her mind was recalling her evening with Chris and how Luke had showed up. How they had been fighting and yelling and how she had felt suddenly off her feet and a sharp pain caused her to double over.

"So, no pain or bleeding before that?" she asked and seemed to write down her questions on the file as well.

"I.. well, I don't think so.. Unless when I had - you know, when I had my period?"

"You had your monthly bleeding while you were pregnant?" her eyebrows went up. "Well, it's not usual but it happens. When was that?" she asked interested.

"Yeah I did, kind of." She said trying to focus her mind on the last weeks. "I don't know exactly when nor how long I had my period but I remember having some blood once a while every month. Not much though." She added "I didn't feel well so I didn't pay any attention to that." She gazed down allowing her feel of loss waving on her a bit. "I mean, I didn't know I was pregnant. I thought that I felt weird because of stress and-" She trailed off, not wanting to speak any further.

"What kind of stress?" Dr. Luis looked up. It clearly wasn't one of those questions written on her paper.

Lorelai's gaze remained down and she was fumbling with her blanket. "My fiancé and I broke up," she finally managed to say.

"Oh," the young doctor said quietly. "I see."

Lorelai met her gaze, pleading her to continue with the questions. The topic of her failed relationship wasn't what she had in mind dealing with right now.

The doctor looked at her for a moment longer as to read her. Then she went on, dropping the subject Lorelai wanted to avoid. "So when was your last period then?" she asked, already knowing what answer would follow.

"Three or four days ago. Normal hemorrhage." Lorelai saw her doctor exhale slowly as she wrote that down. So, she wondered. "What?"

"Well .." she began "That's probably the time your body started to reject the fetus. When it comes to an early miscarriage, you have the blood loss before the contraction of the uterus," she explained.

Lorelai's look fell down on her hands again. Her fingers were intertwined into each other trying to steady themselves from trembling. She took a sharp breath. "So tonight was just..." she spoke just above a whisper.

"Yes, well no actually." The woman kept her voice soft "The fetus hadn't been dead until tonight but it was too weak to survive the contractions."

Lorelai nodded fast with her head, wanting her to stop telling her more details about what happened to her unborn child tonight.

"Ms. Gilmore." Her tone was serious. She starred at the person she was talking to and took a quiet breath "I also have your blood results here and…" Lorelai gave no reaction. She shook her shoulder to get some sort of attention. She knew this must be hard but she was worried about her patient's state of health. She started again "Your blood panel is quiet normal as I can see but in case of the proteins..."

Lorelai looked up at her with tired eyes. "I have to ask you... Have you've been starving yourself?'

That question caught her off the guard. "Have I?"

"Ms Gilmore, we don't know yet what caused your body to reject your baby when you were already that far along. We have a lot of miscarriages happening before the third month, which is kind of normal because the human genetic code has a lot of mistakes. Many embryos are not able to survive that long when they're already damaged but you were over that time so we must consider another reason."

Lorelai knew now what she was referring to "So you mean it's possible that…"

"Yeah, that the fetus didn't stick because your body had to save the energy for you." She continued her thought. "It's not for sure yet but you referred to the stress and that you haven't been well, so I assume you didn't eat as much as you would have normally?."

Lorelai's glance sank down and she just shook her head silently as to agree with her.

"Your blood work doesn't show any sort of infection but we have to make sure with the cells we sent into the lab," she added to show her that a bacterium or virus wasn't the cause of the miscarriage.

Lorelai inhaled deeply. The thought that she might have starved her baby, Luke's baby, made her feel sick. Why hadn't she eaten that much? She had wanted the break-up not to influence her life. That was what she had planned after he said they weren't meant to be. No falling apart for the man who didn't love her enough to marry her. Why didn't that stick? Why had she let her herself get sick? Why was fate so cruel and let her lose her baby?

She shook her head when the tears welled up again and actually were running down her cheek within seconds. Her chin was trembling when the sudden feeling of loneliness came like a cloudy fog over her.

The young doctor squeezed her hand. Lorelai Gilmore looked defeated. From all the words that came to her mind, she could only describe her with defeated. "You're on antibiotics for the next seven days. We have to make sure no infection will get you sick."

Lorelai looked at her with wet, swollen eyes. She was suddenly very tense in fear. "Will I.. will I still .. be able to have children?" She needed to know. She just needed to know that her dream of another baby wasn't hopeless because of what had happened tonight.

"Yes, I mean we still have to wait for the tests but as I can say right now, yes," she said giving her a reassuring smile.

Lorelai smiled shyly back. "Thanks," she whispered, wiping away the tears with her palms.

Dr. Luis got off the bed and walked to door. She turned around. "Uhm I suspect the father is the man you were engaged to?"

Lorelai looked straight at her and nodded.

"Do you want me to call him?"

"Yeah," she said quietly glancing down on her hands again, rubbing over the area where the engagement ring had sat a few weeks back. She looked to the side for a second biting her upper lip when the wave of uneasiness came over and the thought of how he might react to the news crossed her mind. She closed her eyes tight. "Uhm, it's Luke Danes. He was here when I.."

"Oh," she said now knowing who she was referring to. "He might actually still be in the waiting room. I'll get him for you," she said and closed the door as she walked out of her room.

°°°

Luke was nervous. He was tapping with his foot continuously on the floor. It was 2:36 am and he still didn't know what was going on with Lorelai. He had asked a nurse at some point but she hadn't been able to tell him. She had only told to him to wait until the doctor would appear again. So he did. He waited. Christopher had rushed out not long after he had left with the young female but when he had asked him if he knew what had caused Lorelai's stomach aches he had just said that she was awake again and was better but that he had to make an important call. So he was gone after a second, heading for the second floor.

Luke sighed when his glance fell on the red blood traces under his finger nails. He had washed his hands some minutes later after he knew Lorelai was safe. It had freaked him out to see all that blood, Lorelai's blood, on his hands. But what freaked him out even more was the fact that he hadn't been able to help her. Not enough. He hated that he couldn't fix whatever had caused her such a pain. He hated just having to wait. He was helpless in this situation and it was simply not right.

"Luke?" a well-known voice called him out of his daze and walked fast to where he was sitting.

He looked up and got out of his chair to stand, shifting uncomfortably from one foot to the other. "Emily."

He hadn't seen her in a while, even before the break up. He didn't know how to act around her. He had never been her favorite person but it had gotten better while he was engaged to Lorelai. Now after the break-up he didn't know what his former mother-in-law to be thought of him. But that didn't matter right now, did it?

"Thank God I found someone. I've been running around these floors now for ages," she said annoyed. "You think they would make money actually printing a map and handing it out at the entrance." She looked back exhausted at Richard who was fumbling to get an umbrella closed. Apparently, it must have started raining outside.

"So now, what is wrong with her? Christopher didn't say much on the phone, just that he had to bring her to the hospital. So we rushed here," she continued, taking off her coat.

"Yeah we…"

"Where the hell is he anyway?" She looked around "He said he would wait here."

"He went…"

"And where is her doctor?" she interrupted again. "I need to speak to him."

"She hasn't come out here yet to speak with the relatives," he finally managed to answer.

She gazed away from Luke for a moment. "Richard, please would you finally leave that umbrella where it is and come here," she shouted at her husband.

"Well," Richard said as he dropped the wet umbrella and joined his wife. "Hello Luke," he shook his hand, looking at him in wonder as to why he was at the hospital.

"Hi… I was uh … you know, there when Lorelai collapsed and helped her to get here," he explained, unsure as if he could read his mind. "She is still with the doctor," he added quickly while exhaling.

"Have you asked a nurse?" Emily directed to Luke.

"I did actually but she didn't say much." He shrugged, apologizing.

"Now that's typical," Emily rolled her eyes. "Doing their job and informing people would be way too much to ask for," she stated flat as she settled into a chair. Richard and Luke sat down as well.

°°°

When Cassandra Luis stepped into the waiting room reading another patients file she had gotten on her way from a nurse, she found three people waiting for her. One was definitely the man she was looking to talk to. The other two, an elder man and woman, she had not met yet.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Luis. I suspect you're all here for Ms. Gilmore?" she asked, gazing from one to another.

All three of them stood up.

"Yes, hello, my name is Emily Gilmore. I'm Lorelai's mother," Emily greeted the doctor. "How is my daughter doing?"

"Well…" she started but stopped as she saw the other man from earlier appearing from where the elevator was.

"Emily, Richard," Chris called rushing over to join them.

"Christopher," Richard was greeting him with a nod.

"Sorry, I was talking to Rory," he said out of breath. "She needs me to pick her up at Yale. Her car has an empty battery and she can't find a person with starter cables." He was already motioning to the back entrance of the hospital and walking backwards as to say good bye.

"Mr. and Mrs. Gilmore?" the young female interrupted "I will be back in a minute to speak with you. Mr. Danes, I need to speak with you first," she waved Luke to come with her.

"Hey! Why does he get to know?" Emily demanded, not understanding where this was coming from.

"Just a minute. I have to talk for a moment in private with Mr. Danes," she said calmly to the older woman. "You coming?" She gave Luke a glance with her eyes so he would follow her through the glass door.

Emily pursed her lips and folded her arms in front of her chest. "That is unacceptable. Letting us wait here as if it's our hobby to guess what might wrong with our daughter." She was upset. As much as she and Lorelai weren't on the page in many things regarding her life, she loved her and her being sick was one thing Emily Gilmore couldn't deal with very well.

"Emily, I think it will be fine. The doctor will come and talk to us," Richard reassured her quietly and laid his hands on her shoulder for a moment.

"I'm just saying. It's not as if that they are engaged anymore." She pointed with her hand in Luke's direction. "We are her family and we should not be excused."

"Maybe the doctor needs some information from him about what happened tonight so they can start treatment as soon as possible," he guessed trying to calm his wife down.

"Fine." She signed and settled into a chair again, still not happy with how they were treated.

°°°

Cassandra Luis stopped after a few steps behind the glass door and looked into Luke's eyes. They starred concerned back at her. She could tell he was very nervous. He was adjusting his jeans and his breathing showed it too by letting his chest lift and fall shortly.

She opened the file. "Mr. Danes, you former fiancé had been pregnant for quite a while," she said calmly looking up again.

Luke just starred back, his jaw opening slowly as to drop.

"Tonight, however, her body rejected the fetus and we weren't able to save it." She finished and gave him a sympathizing shake with her head.

Luke inhaled deeply and kept all the air in his lungs. He swallowed and added a short breath.

The young lady watched him working on the news. He blinked a few times but didn't move a muscle. "Are you alright?" she asked concerned, worrying about the possibility he might faint.

"Yeah. I.. I.." he stuttered. His face was white. "Where is the bathroom again?" he asked with a trembling tone in his voice.

"Just behind you," she pointed over his shoulder and watched him with wide eyes disappear for a moment. He came back not one second later opening the door.

"'Lorelai!" he stated. "I need to see her. Where..?" He looked like nothing could stop him on that quest. His desperate tone left no room for an excuse.

Dr. Luis smiled at him. The man seemed to care about her patient. She had seen it in his eyes. "Just go down the floor and take the last door on the right. Room number 14."

"'Thanks," he said relieved when he started to move.

He was sure he needed water. He was also sure a chair might not be a bad idea right now. And someone to pinch his arm. But he knew he would never accept all this at the moment. Lorelai needed someone being strong for her right now and that was way more important.

°°°

When Luke entered the room it was quiet. He was able to hear his own pulse in the back of his neck. It was beating the rush of adrenaline. Sorrow, shock, and discomposure were somehow detectable in the mix of emotion that fused within his body.

And then he saw her, Lorelai, fading in the stillness of the room. Laying with her head to the side on her bed, starring through the half-open curtain out the window. It was for the first time that night that he saw how thin she had become. She looked weak and skinny. Her face showed dark circles under her eyes and the soft pink skin that would normally cover her was grey and pale. As his eyes traveled over her body, he could also see her collarbone under the hospital robe. It caused him a wave of guilt and a sudden need for oxygen how the last weeks must have pulled on her. She looked lifeless.

His hands left the door knob and the door shut with a loud bang, interrupting the silence. However, she didn't look up. She remained staring emotionless ahead, seeming to hide every emotion behind a curtain of sadness.

Her glance was empty though. She felt empty. And everything around her was too. Her abdomen was still cramping a little bit from the aftermath of the miscarriage but that all didn't matter to her. Inside her was a hole now and she felt herself stepping into it every minute.

"Lorelai?" a kind voice called her from far away. She hadn't noticed Luke yet. In her versions of the events, he had gone home after he knew she had some professional help. Even though the doctor had told her he would be in the waiting room, hope was something she was not able to offer to herself right now. So it took him one call more to get her attention.

"Lorelai?"

She felt frightened when she heard her name. It was coming from a very familiar voice and she looked around immediately to meet a concerned gaze starring back at her. She took a breath.

She wanted to say something. A word, a noise, anything but her lips curled down in a heartbeat not leaving her time to speak. She felt her chin starting to tremble while her eyes turned from left to right to find some sort of a hold. Instead, whimpering sounds were leaving her quivering lips and she started crying, making her body shake in waves when her hand tried to cover her face. Her wall of numbness was breaking down when she saw him and everything started to become real.

Luke walked to her and sat on her bedside trying to take in the picture in front of him. Trying to digest what he had just received from the young doctor. Figuring out how to help Lorelai but she was reacting before he got to do anything and threw herself onto his chest, grabbing his flannel, crying louder the tears of pain and loss.

He was kind of surprised by the unpredicted contact but his hand went soon to stroke her head, causing Lorelai to snivel harder. "Noo-hooh," she cried in pain for her lost child while her tears never seemed to run out. He laid his head on top of hers and she inhaled deeply. "Nooo-oh-oh-oo," her scream again filling the silence. She was burying her face deeper into his chest, gripping the buttons of his flannel tight with her fingers. And he held her there, wrapping both arms protectively around her, rocking her back and forth when he could sense her wall of defense breaking under his touch and her guard fell down to let him in.

When the room then fell silent for a minute, he could feel her crawling higher onto his shoulder. She put her arms around his neck. Her sobs filled his ear before her breath got caught in her throat and some artifacts that seemed to be words reached his conscious mind. She leaned closer to him. "I lost our baby, Luke." The whimpering returned. She was barely able to speak. "I lost our baby," she repeated with a high pitched tone when another flow of tears ran down her cheeks and left a warm, wet trace on his skin as well.

He froze then when his brain finally received the message his ears had sent them and his breathing increased when the connection was made. Luke felt his own eyes now glistening with tears and he pressed her closer to him when the wave of emotions hit him and all that was standing between them was washed away for the moment.

And all the words they had spoken, all the wrong they had done and all the hurt didn't matter.

And when his eyes shut and the image of the previous car ride flashed up in front of his vision, his head sank deep into her shoulder, joining her with a gasp of loss that left his mouth.

And it wasn't just the baby they cried for. It was them. All their wishes, all their hopes they had, and all the hurt they had caused each other, leading to this moment here in the hospital. Where the past had caught them and they had lost what could have been their future.

°°°

After what seemed like an eternity, she lifted her head, looking around. Her sobbing had subsided to a small whimper and he noticed her tired, red eyes meeting his gaze.

"Hey," he lifted her chin a little bit and glided softly over her cheek with his thumb.

A tear came loose on her left eye when she opened her mouth. "I lost our baby, Luke." She spoke with a shaky voice. "I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to get through this," she sniffed.

"Shhh," he brushed her hair out oh her face. "It's gonna be okay."

She exhaled giving him a half-hearted nod. "I'm sorry, Luke" she whispered, her voice was almost inaudible.

"Hey it's not..." he started, frowning his forehead and shaking his head. "You didn't .. I mean-"

"No, Luke, I didn't know," she answered when he saw his eyes pleading for the truth. "I didn't know I was pregnant."

She went silent again, resting her head on his shoulder. Her eyes closed for a moment when she started to relax at the feel of his warm comforting body underneath her. She was so tired. So damn tired. Was it his fingers that were gliding over her temple? She couldn't tell. She felt exhausted and her eyelids got heavy.

He started slow circles with his fingertips on the outside of her arm that was wrapped around her. When she was calming down and snuggling closer to him, opening her lids just from time to time as an attempt to stay awake, he moved his other hand. Shoving away the white blanket that was covering her lower body, he lifted her robe slowly to expose her belly and laid his palm flat on it as to feel what had been there before. He heard her sniff quietly and turned his attention away from her stomach to look into her blue eyes. They were tired and glassy but he could read the question they were forming and he was willing to answer it without hesitation.

"'I'm here Lorelai. I promise," he whispered.

She smiled wearily at him. Her lips forming a soundless 'thank you' before her eyelids finally closed and she drifted off to sleep.

_**To be continued…**_

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_Thoughts? Questions? Anything? Let me know. :)_


	3. Chapter Three

**Inside of You**

_Disclaimer:__ I finally own a character. You've got to love eBay. Sadly it's just catkirk and I cannot use him in my story._

_A/N:__ Okay seriously people. YOU ROCK!!! All those reviews made me faint. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you guys. °Grin° Before you get to read my new chapter, I would like to say that I for sure will finish this story so don't worry if I can't update constantly. My state exams start soon and I will have to study to pass. I, of course, will write when I have time but updating could take a little bit longer. I hope you understand and stick with my story. It soon will take a turn some of you might not expect and I hope you will follow to wherever I want to lead the characters. _

_**Important!**__ In 7.04 Anna dropped April off so Luke would have her for the next few weeks. In my story, that did not happen. Anna took April with her so she could visit her grandma too. April living with Luke would otherwise mess with my story idea. Sorry for not mentioning it earlier._

_This chapter starts three days after Chapter Two._

_Hugging my betas here_

_Side note:__ Reviews really really make my day :)__ so please leave one when you finish reading._

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**°°°°° Chapter Three °°°°°**

It was three days later and Lorelai was finally allowed to go home. Her uterus was recovering well and medically there was no reason for keeping her at the hospital any longer. She was actually looking forward to leaving. Lying around in her bed 24 hours per day, not knowing how to stop her mind from thinking about her lost child, and having her family around, who were just looking at her sadly, was definitely something she'd had enough of.

When her parents had gotten the news, they had walked slowly into her room and had not said a single word for 45 seconds. Her mother had sat beside her bed and had put a comforting hand on her arm. She hadn't known much to say. Just that if she needed anything, she would make sure her wish was heard. Lorelai had felt some kind of an understanding connection to her mom in that moment but she let the opportunity slip to go after it and instead looked at her dad who had sat in the corner staring helplessly ahead. He had told her how sorry he was and how hard it must be.

Lorelai had heard them talking later outside and Emily sniffing when Richard put her in his arms. She had felt as if she had disappointed them again.

Rory, on the other hand, had been running when she had entered the room. Tears were already glistening all over her face when she threw herself onto Lorelai's chest, crying together with her. Lorelai had put her arms around her daughter and they had held each other for a long time. She had told her kid over and over again how much she loved her while they hung onto each other like magnets. Rory had then spent the first night with her, next to her bed and had done her best to keep her distracted from the events of the miscarriage.

All of them had come every day, even Chris, and Sookie who was very worried about her. It wasn't that she did not appreciate her visitors or the comforting words they had for her but it seemed like she never had time for herself to answer those important question that were still flooding her mind. Someone would usually show up every two hours and stay for at least an hour.

And it was work for her to have all the emotions from the other people pressuring her. Those feelings were heavy and she was not in a condition to deal with them very well. Even though people told her they would be there and that they would help her get through this, it was always them who talked. Them who told her how she must feel. Them who assured her what would be best for her right now and what might help. Sure they just cared but they kept asking her things she could not answer yet. And they asked her how she felt and if she was honest she couldn't understand that question. How should she feel? Bad, of course.

She laid her head on the pillow and rolled it to her left so she could face out of the window. Luke was going to come within the next 10 minutes. She smiled. He was the only person who didn't ask if she felt better. Usually he would just sit beside her, not saying a thing. Sometimes she would still fall apart and cry but he would stroke along her arms and then she would lean back to rest her head against his shoulder. He would say 'It's okay' and they would stare together out the window, getting lost in thoughts of their own and it would be fine.

It had been his baby as well. Maybe he felt the same sadness like she did. Maybe he needed her too.

She looked down at her hands, gliding her fingertips slowly along her palm to feel the tickle that it left. She thought about being home again. In her house that was as empty as her. No Luke inside anymore. Exactly like her body. She sighed. What would happen after she got out of the hospital? Would he come by every day to sit with her in the silence? Would he not come and continue moving on with his own life now that he knew she was out of danger? She didn't know but the thought made her nervous. She pinched the skin on her palm now. Feeling the light pain it would cause. Like the one she would feel without him being around anymore.

A knock disturbed her mind from wandering in invisible labyrinths and she looked up. When the door opened, she saw her doctor entering the room carrying her file and smiling at her. "Good morning Ms. Gilmore. How are you feeling?" she asked with an easy tone.

Lorelai smiled politely back at her. "Fine." In her mind, she shook her head already, registering that question.

"I'm here to tell you that the nurse will pick you up in half an hour for the final exam and to take some blood again for a GHP. You'll get the IV catheter out and then you can get yourself ready for your discharge," she informed her.

"Okay," she said quietly.

"And in two weeks you will have to come here again for an ultrasound to check if the uterus has returned to its normal size again and if your ovaries both look healthy."

She wrote something on the file and closed it, then looked up at her patient again. "It's getting cold," she motioned with her head to the food that was placed on the table beside Lorelai's bed.

"I'm not really hungry," she shook her head and smiled back.

"You should really start eating." Her tone was more serious.

Lorelai eyebrows went up, giving her questionable glance. "This was cooked in a hospital."

Cassandra Luis laughed. "Okay okay. You have a point."

The door opened just then and Luke stepped inside "Oh sorry.. I didn't mean to disturb…" he pointed with his finger from Lorelai to the doctor. "You know.."

"Oh no, no. We just finished." The young doctor smiled at him walking in the direction of the door. "But make sure she eats something," she insisted playfully.

"I will," he nodded, smiling civilly back, already moving to Lorelai.

"Okay then. See you in a bit," she said to Lorelai and left the room.

°°°

Luke sighed and looked at her. "Lorelai," shaking his head sad.

She gazed down, not wanting to see the disappointment in his eyes. "I'm not hungry, Luke. I'm sorry."

"You've been telling me this for three days now. You have to eat at some point." Pleading to her, he sat down on her bed.

"I can't Luke." She looked into his eyes for a moment and back down again. "I don't feel like swallowing some sticky, mushy vegetables with rice," she whispered grimly trying to keep her voice down.

"Come on. Not even a bite?" he asked hopefully.

Lorelai just shook her head and sniffed silently. Then she got comfortable against his chest.

He looked over to her table. There was an open yoghurt with a spoon stuck inside. All the crème was still in the cup. She had not eaten a bit. Next to that was her plate with her lunch meal. Fork and knife lay wrapped in a napkin. She had not even tried it.

"But.." he started.

"No Luke, please?" she looked up into his eyes begging him to stop. Her body was the last thing right now that she cared about. She wanted to wallow, to process, and to forget. She hated the pain.

He took a deep breath and capitulated. If she didn't want to eat, he couldn't force her, could he? She had to decide for herself when it was the time to accept that there was a point when she had to start to move on.

He wrapped an arm around her and hugged her. If that was the only thing she would allow, he would give it to her. Because he needed this: The feel of her close to him. He had been a father to an unborn child and even though he had never seen it or felt it, the knowledge that it had existed was enough for him to miss what was lost. And the sadness that hung over him since she had cried in his arms only seemed to lift when he had her tight in his embrace, feeling her breathing, sensing her heartbeat, knowing that she was alive and with him in this.

He felt her relax within minutes and his thoughts began to drift, making a stop two days before when he had sat with Rory. He was just sitting there trying to keep some sort of conversation. They had been like two shocked people rescuing themselves from getting lost in the heaviness of the previous night. And when he started to ask her something absolutely unimportant it had blurred out of her like a waterfall that broke through the ice field.

"_This is all my fault. That she lost the baby, it's my fault." she had started and he had turned his head, just looking at her without any reaction._

"_Mom was not well, Luke. Ever since she slept with dad and ever since you two really broke up, she wasn't the same as before, you know. She wouldn't eat much and she was throwing up because she didn't eat. Well, probably too because she was pregnant but she couldn't handle you not being around. She couldn't deal losing you and having all her dreams crushed," she had told him under a river of tears. "So she worked and worked and worked until she sat down and realized that she hadn't eaten a bit during the whole day. She drank lots and lots of coffee and never slept." Her voice just above breaking, __"And.. and I should have come over and I should have stayed by her side and make sure she was sleeping and eating and helping her to deal with everything." Rory stopped to wipe the tears away until she quietly continued. "__She had wanted to marry you so badly, Luke. She loved you so much that she couldn't handle being alone in the house. She gave up." Sniffing quietly, she looked down. "And didn't eat enough and now she lost the baby because of this and I know it's not your fault and it's not hers but my mom never falls apart, Luke. She wouldn't lose a baby and now she did because she let herself not care and I didn't see it, Luke. I wasn't there enough to tell her that it will be fine at some point. That she would be able to move on, you know. I blamed her for sleeping with dad because it would have an effect on me. I didn't see it coming, Luke. I should have been there for her, right? Now she lost the baby… Why wasn't" she swallow the tears, "Why wasn't I there to help her?"_

She had looked at him with her big blue eyes after blaming herself for everything that was not her fault and sobbed silently before she had gone back to the random talk they usually shared, trying to cover her sudden outburst in her state of feeling helpless. He hadn't been prepared for what the girl had told him that night.

Luke felt again the tears in his own eyes. It had all gone wrong. So completely wrong. There relationship had fallen apart under his watchful eyes. She had given him an ultimatum and he didn't see that the outcome was serious. She had gone to a person for help that she knew was wrong going to. And when it all had come together, they had just ran away. The result had been an unviable baby. One that didn't know that his parents had screwed up. One that hadn't known how much it would have been loved.

He pressed his eyelids tight to swallow the sick feeling inside of him. He hugged her closer to him. She did need him and no matter what she would say, he would make sure she got better. He couldn't forget what had happened between them but right now it was them who did matter, not the past, and it did matter what would happen from now on.

°°°

A nurse stepped into the room, closing her window and smiled at her. "Are you ready to go?"

Lorelai shut her eyes for a moment. "Yes," she lifted her head from Luke and got out of the embrace. He helped her get up.

"Mom." Rory came into the room, hugging her mother and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey babe," Lorelai greeted her daughter and settled into the wheelchair the nurse had brought. She didn't like to be rolled around the whole time but apparently as a patient you had to be in it if you wanted it or not. She had seen a guy with a broken arm the other day sitting annoyed in one of those while he waited for just an x-ray to develop.

"The doctor said I can come with you," Rory smiled proud. She wanted to be there for her mother as much as she could offer and was glad that she could convince Dr. Luis how important is was for her to be at her mom's side during the exam.

"That's great," she said touched and took her daughters hand in hers.

They stepped together outside and saw Emily waiting there. She greeted her daughter with a silent nod and also Luke who was taking care of Lorelai's IV bag - stand behind her.

"Hey mom," Lorelai said, letting a smile appear on her lips as if she felt much better. She didn't like that her mother saw her this weak.

"Hello Lorelai," she smiled believably back. She knew exactly what her daughter was doing. Trying to hold it up in front of her family. But she played along. Lorelai shouldn't worry about that one too. "I hope you feel better today."

"Yeah," she said half-hearted, nodding her head as low as her reassurance had sounded.

Emily looked into her daughters eyes for a moment then got back to why she was here. "Lorelai, I wanted to tell you that I talked with Sookie and Michel and that I found a temporary worker for the Inn until you get back. I even got a call from that Kirk guy who wanted badly to help out while you were gone. I looked at his reference and let me tell you he will not come near your Inn," she said ranting. "He has practically done every job in the world but never stuck to one. I think that man needs to make some commitments in his life. Anyway, you can stay home as long as you want. I've got everything covered."

"Woah, Mom, you didn't need to do this. Seriously, Sookie can handle it."

"I just wanted to be nice, that's all. Can't a mother help her daughter when she lying in a hospital?" she said a little bit hurt. Why did her daughter never understand that she just wanted to make things easier for her?

Lorelai sensed her mother's disappointment and looked up at her, giving her a smile. "Thank you… for doing this."

"Well, you're welcome," she said pleased.

"Ms. Gilmore?" the nurse interrupted preparing Lorelai that the wheelchair was moving.

"Okay, see you later." She waved to Luke and her mother. Emily could feel that Lorelai wouldn't enjoy the check up but gave her a reassuring glance back.

°°°

Luke followed Lorelai with his eyes until she disappeared into the exam room together with Rory. He let out a short breath by recalling how much Lorelai seemed to cling onto her daughter right now. It was as she could perceive the pain it would cause if she lost Rory and that this thought itself made her cry sometimes. Thinking about April let him feel this pain too. Even though he didn't have that much history with his daughter, he loved her more than anything else and losing her would be like losing everything his heart was beating for. The most horrible thought ever.

He missed April. It was now five days since Anna had taken her to visit her sick mother in New Mexico. She had said she would be there for at least 6 weeks. It was hard for him not to see his daughter for a long time but he also knew that it would have been much harder dealing with April and the pain of a lost child at once and his heart was also aching seeing Lorelai like this, so all in all he was okay with April not being around for a while. He didn't want her to see him this depressed. It would be hard enough to tell her that she would have gotten a sibling.

He sighed loudly before he turned to sit on a chair, waiting for Lorelai to return so he could drive her home.

Emily eyed him from the distance for a moment, then she stepped in front of him.

"Luke, may I speak to you for a minute?" she said calm.

He got up. "Sure." He lifted up his eyebrows as to expect her to talk. When she instead walked into a quiet corner, he followed curiously.

She turned and took a deep breath, pursing her lips for a moment before she started to talk.

"Luke, when a woman loses her child it's one of the worst things that could possibly happen to her. It breaks the heart at the weakest point and makes her feel like she failed. It's something a man might not understand in the same way a woman does and it's something a man can deal with better," she began her speech. "My daughter and I may not have the best relationship but I do know what she needs at the moment." Studying him silently for a moment, she continued finally. "And it's you!" she made her point.

Luke swallowed, not really knowing what she was trying to say.

She went on, being very serious, "I want you to be there, Luke. And I don't give a damn about how she might have hurt you. I know something happened between you two that I still have not been told but honestly, I don't care," she said unimpressed. "Because you will be there for her no matter what. She will not let me or her father in to help her. Rory has classes and she can't be around her mom full time and you may agree that this isn't something a daughter should deal with."

He just nodded, imagining how many nerves it would cost April to deal with something like that.

"And god knows she would not let Christopher anywhere near her right now," she said annoyed. "You seem to be the only person she trusts enough." Eyeing him again, "I never understood how you were always her choice but I accepted it and now that she lost a child, I expect you to be there for her and I will not allow any excuses." Her voice had more force now, almost sounding demanding. "Losing a child pulls on her. I know my daughter and I'm aware what it's like to lose a child." exactly knowing what she was talking about. Having lost Lorelai at 17, not knowing where she was or if something might have happened to her was still pulling on her from time to time and she knew Lorelai would never be able to forget the pain that she would carry from that very day on.

"I want you to be there every day and you will be there no matter what," she said calmly. "Whatever your issues are or were, pack them away. There is no room for them. This is your responsibility."

With that, she left a stunned-looking Luke. He made a mental note that Emily was insane and that Lorelai for sure must be related to her. He couldn't deny it any longer if Lorelai would beg him again to tell her that she shared no genes with her.

He shook his head, walked over to the chairs and sat back down next to Emily. He looked at her for a second but it seemed that the topic was closed for her, so he went back to waiting for Lorelai.

°°°

It was nearly six o'clock in the afternoon when Luke and Loreleai arrived in Stars Hollow. Their drive home had been completely quiet. He hadn't said much and she hadn't wanted to talk anyway. She had had another conversation with the doctor and she had asked again which week she had been in so she could maybe remember the conception date. Her eyes had gone watery the moment her memory gave it free. It had been before Luke had left for his trip with April. It had been one of the last times they had slept with each other and they hadn't paid that much attention to use protection.

It wasn't that they really forgot but Lorelai once in a while didn't care if she would get pregnant. He had said he wanted to have kids and they had been engaged so what was wrong with that? So it must have been a time when they had gotten lost in desire and passion, just wanting to feel the other one as close as possible, not caring about some material that would separate them in any way.

She looked sad when she saw her house. The last time she was here with Luke was when her cramps had started. The other last time was when she had told him she had spend the night with Christopher, crushing all his hopes to fix their relationship by eloping. She shook her head slightly when she thought about that moment she had walked away from Luke, already carrying his baby inside her.

"Here, let me help you," he said and opened her side of the car to guide her inside the house, getting her bag from the back seat.

"Thanks." She was glad he wrapped an arm around her to steady her while she walked.

When they entered the front door, Luke noticed how empty it looked. He traveled around with his eyes in wonder. "Wow."

Lorelai squeezed one eye shut and looked with the other one shyly at him. "I threw out everything that reminded me of you?" she answered the unspoken question.

"I didn't know that your whole household was connected to me," he replied plain, still not believing that the room he was looking at was practically without any decoration.

"Well," she shrugged, apologizing.

He gave her a small smile and set her bag next to the couch. An awkward silence filled the room.

"Uhm." she started. "I'm gonna take a bath," hinting that it was okay if he left now.

"Good," he nodded. "I'll start cooking us something for dinner," and motioned to the kitchen.

"Luke," she shook her head smiling to stop him. "You really don't need to do this. I'm okay."

He looked straight into her eyes. "I do and I will."

"No, Luke, it's fine." She said calmly, "Go home. You have done enough. You can check on me tomorrow."

"Actually, I won't go home." He exhaled nervously, "I'll stay".

"Wha… what? Why?" She didn't understand what he meant by that. Her wrinkled eyebrows were asking for an explanation. And it better be good because she didn't have any strength for an argument.

"You need me here," he said forward. "I don't want you to be alone now. What happened isn't..."

"You're kidding right?" she said quiet and clearly wasn't a fan of that crazy idea.

"Actually, no." His tone was serious. "I think you will need my help for a while."

She stepped closer to him, gripping his wrist. "We're not together anymore, Luke." Her voice was soft. "We are separated. Over. Done. You cannot just move in now!" _He would understand what she was saying, right?_

"I don't care. I'm staying!" he said without any sign her words were heard.

"No!" she said into his face letting go of his hand. "Are you insane? Why would you live here?" she turned around annoyed, her voice getting higher. "I can take care of myself, Luke. I appreciated you being at the hospital and checking on me but I don't need a 24 hour babysitter!"

"You just got out of the hospital after you had a traumatic experience and I know it's hard for you. Actually, it's not easy for me either and I want to take care of you," he argued back.

"I am safe in my house, Luke!"

"I'm not discussing this." He gestured a cutting line with his flat hand, "I'll make you something to eat," and walked down to the kitchen.

"Fine. But I won't eat," she yelled behind him.

"Yes, you will," he turned around angry.

She shrugged unimpressed with her shoulders and went up the stairs. "If you go afterwards."

He stopped for a second in his movement, trying to calm himself down. If she could be stubborn, he could as well. This was not a game here. Emily was right. This here was his responsibility and he would not turn his back on it. If she didn't want to sleep, he would lock her up in her bedroom. If she would want to work and stress herself, he would run that damn Inn by himself and if she refused to eat, he sure would make her too.

He counted slowly backward from ten to one and exhaled. Then he went on with his mission to make dinner. He started searching in her cabinets for anything he could cook and was glad when he found some pasta. "That should work," he mumbled, relieved after finding cheese in her fridge. He turned around and grabbed a sauce pan, searching with his eyes for a spatula, a ladle, and a wooden spoon. He groaned.

"Seriously, you didn't have to get rid of all your cooking supplies," he said annoyed, making sure she would hear it on the first floor.

°°°

Fifty minutes and a cooking experience with just a fork, knife, and spoon later he had made a cheese soup with pasta in it. He figured that this was not too heavy for her stomach to deal with and had some calories that would be needed by her body.

Lorelai came down the stairs when he was placing hot food on the table, holding on to the banister a moment longer than needed. She had dressed in fresh clothes and had mentally planned on a movie night. Him wanting to stay was something she did not like at all. Sure, he was there and yes she felt better with him being around but that didn't change the past and the hurt she still felt every time she saw him. The guilt was another thing that always seemed to creep over when he would do anything for her, being selfless in this whole mess that was her fault, and his.

"Hey," she spoke quiet, waving a hand at him.

"Hey," he said calm. "I made us something you like."

She nodded and watched him out of the corner of her eye when he sat down. She took a deep breath, swallowed the lump in her throat and settled on a chair as well, picking up her spoon and staring unsure at her food. She got sad again. Visions of her not realizing being pregnant while she had vomited flew through her mind. Memories of her glancing not hungry on her food, refusing it because she had driven by his diner awoke inside of her head. And all the crying because there had been nothing to fix their situation. And now she was the worst mother ever. She hadn't taken care of an unborn, innocent child.

The fact screwed like a blunt needle right into her guts and a tear dropped down on her hand, leaving a warm watery trace. She looked up at Luke. An unspoken plea to understand that she just couldn't do this was clearly readable for him.

Then there was the sound of metal filling the room when she let her spoon fall on the table. "I can't," she shook her head and stood up, leaving the room while wiping her eyes.

"You can!" he shouted after her harsher than he intended to say and followed her. He grabbed her arm from behind and turned her around. "Lorelai!"

"No," she said with a cracking voice. "Leave me alone."

He scanned her from one eye to another and closed his for a moment. He had to do this. Even if he didn't like it and she would hate him for it. He had to make her face it.

He took another step and moved her backward against the wall holding her wrists pressed next to her head. He could feel her breath on his skin when her mouth opened to breathe faster, looking at him with a complete lack of understanding.

"You will eat, Lorelai!" he said calm but insisting.

She gazed at him wondering for a moment. "No, I won't," she shook her head, moving her eyes down.

"Yes, you will, and I will not let you out of this," he said loud and made sure he got the eye contact back by leaning down.

"Back off," her tone was weak but she tried to sound forceful. Her lips were trembling and her glassy eyes showed no sympathy for what he was doing. "I killed our baby. It was me Luke!" she sniffed "I starved it to death. How can you expect me to eat now as if nothing happened?" Her breathing was uncontrolled and she almost yelled at him.

"Lorelai, stop saying that!" his tone was strong "We both created that mess. Even I can admit it. So, stop it! We messed up and lost a child, Lorelai. I don't want to lose you now!"

Her forehead wrinkled and she looked at him with wandering eyes in a mix of understanding and disbelieve, showing incomprehension. _Why was he doing this? Why did he care?_

A tear slowly made its way down her eyelashes as she spoke slowly.

"You lost me the night I walked away. You lost me exactly that moment when I didn't see you following me."

He looked at her hurt. She wasn't playing fair, fighting against him, trying to get out of his grip. Giving him an angry glance and kicking with her legs but he held her, staring into her eyes letting his plea sink into her. Showing her that he did care and he needed her to be strong.

"You will not make me leave, Lorelai."

And so she stopped, giving in into his warm gaze. And when he locked eyes with her, he couldn't place the look she gave him. It wasn't fear even though she looked confused and it wasn't sadness even though the water was already welling up in her eyes. No it was – he was reading her again – it was honest trust. Whenever she hated what he was doing with her, she trusted him completely and had the whole time.

He exhaled slowly and let go of her, moving his hand around her back and leading her to the table with her meal.

"I can't eat, Luke." Her gaze remained on him while he pushed her down willingly on the chair.

"You will," he said lowering his voice and nodding to show her that there was no backing out now.

In a last attempt to escape, she quickly turned out of the chair and wanted to run away again but he caught her before she was even up, wrapped his arms around her and placed himself onto the chair with her in his lap.

She started crying immediately, giving in completely. The pain was back. She shut her eyes tight and let her head fall sideway on his shoulder while she sobbed. And his hands were holding hers. He knew if he would let go she might try to run away again and he could not allow that. She needed to face the situation. She needed to face why she had lost the child. She needed to face their problems and hers as well and as much strength as is would cost him, he couldn't excuse her behavior anymore.

When his right shoulder was soaked from her tears and she had calmed down, he loosened his grip a little bit. She changed the position and moved her head to his left shoulder, lying exhausted onto his body. He placed a light kiss on her forehead and whispered, "Three spoons full, Lorelai, that's it."

She just sniffed.

"Three spoons and I'll let you go."

"Two," she said back. "Please, Luke," not wanting - not being able to swallow more.

"Okay, two spoons full it is."

He freed her more and placed one hand so it would rest on her shoulder.

She picked up the instrument and took some of the thick pasta soup into her mouth swallowing it quick as if it would be the most disgusting thing in the world.

She made a face and grabbed another spoon full.

She then looked at him questioning and with a glimpse of anger for him forcing her. Even though she knew he was right. She got up without a word, facing away but holding his fingers till the very end before she dropped them. "I'll get the couch ready for you," she said defeated and walked further into the sitting room.

He turned around on the chair and sighed, shaking his head slowly. He wasn't happy about this and he knew this wouldn't be something easy to deal with. His gaze sank when he turned back and ate some pasta himself. He had promised her to be there for her but he had never expected it to be like that.

He would live here for the next weeks at least. He could not leave her alone until she gained some weight and opened up for what had happened. So, that was the plan.

_**To be continued…**_

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_So? What do you think?_


	4. Chapter Four

**Inside of You**

_Disclaimer:__ Got Amy on the phone. She doesn't wanna sell the characters. :( So still hers._

_A/N:__ In my reviews I got a question if Emily knows that the baby was Luke's. Yes she does. She never got to know that Lorelai slept with Chris. She was surprised to find her daughter with Christopher on a date when they picked her up at the police station in 7.04. So the thought that it could have been his baby never crossed her mind. _

_I love you people. Your reviews really help me to write this story. Not just because they make me happy, also because you have interesting thoughts which I have in the back of my mind then when I type a new chapter_ :)

_This chapter starts 15 days after Chapter Three._

_What would I do without my betas. Probably not update. So thanks to them as well._

_Side note:__ You'll review after this chapter right? puppyeyes_

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**°°°°° Chapter Four °°°°°**

Luke turned around in his sleep. He couldn't sleep very well on the couch but he doubted he would get a good rest even in a big bed. Rearranging his pillow didn't seem to work, so he tossed the blanket off, then sighed in frustration.

It was fifteen days after he moved in with her and it had been exhausting. Going back to being their former selves with all the problems that were still standing between them wasn't easy, especially including that they had to see each other almost 24 hours a day so he could take care of her. And adding to the weird circumstances he discovered surprisingly that he needed her around him as well for his own sanity.

Still, it was a mix between nagging feelings of the past that got blocked by all the mourning over the lost child and the situation that actually got them this far: the break up. They both were loaded with pain and hurt at the same time but couldn't really yell at each other. They had no power for that. They also couldn't pretend everything was okay between them because it wasn't, which made things complicated and odd ever so often. So it was a dance between outburst, hidden frustration, and feeling sorry. And on top of all those mixed feeling there was the emotion of hate towards her, towards himself and everything that had gone wrong. It was a chaos inside of him and yet the basic need to help her was just so strong that he handled it. He didn't complain once and was always there for her. But it wasn't surprising that sleep wouldn't come to him.

The outcome was that he looked like he felt. In one word: Horrible. Dark circles under his eyes made him look like a scrolling ghost in flannel and the long beard stumps that adorned his face didn't help at all to actually look human.

He sat up to get himself some water, wiping the fatigue out of his eyes. He stole a look on his watch that was lying on the table. 2:53 a.m. Groaning, he placed his hands in his neck to stretch for a second before he got up and walked barefoot to the kitchen, searching mostly eyes closed for a cup.

He sometimes wondered how with all the oddness going on they still managed to get through the days without going crazy. It wasn't hard figure that they had to talk at some point about their relationship, yet neither made an effort. It could be still too early.

So they lived the lazy days, got up, were quiet most of the time. He went out for two or three hours to check on the diner and doing some grocery shopping for them and when he was home he did the cooking. That was it. And when she was falling apart, having a break down, he was there helping her to get focused again. Her day on the other hand was sort of exhausting on another level. She usually thought too much in repeating loops and had to deal with calls from her daughter and mother explaining to them in detail how she was doing. Every second day it would happen that Sookie showed up wanting to cheer her up, which most of the time lead to a depressing mood. But he countered that by bringing home videos he got from the store to distract her from the events of the day so she would find at least some rest. It seemed to work so far.

He drank the cold liquid in big gulps, then walked back to the couch, stopping at the staircase when he heard some muttering sounds from Lorelai's bedroom. His face softened, showing concern. He looked up the stairs and was holding on to the banister, listening a few seconds more.

Lorelai didn't sleep well. About a week ago it had started: She called Rory's name in the middle of the night, waking up totally scared, never knowing how she had gotten there. It seemed as the back to reality thing was sometimes a little bit too much for her and the payback time apparently was at night.

°°°

_She was drowning, wanting to gasp desperately for air, but Rory was sinking deeper into the water. So she held her breath, needed to do this just a few seconds longer and get her. Her daughter's eyes were already closed and she reached her hand to get hold of her arm but she missed. The water seemed to slow her actions. The young girl sank lower and her skin went white when the life left her body for good. Lorelai screamed, sucking water into her lungs as she saw her daughter die in front of her eyes. She forced her eyes away from the broken image and tried to get to the water's surface but it suddenly blocked her. Not letting her break through to breathe some needed oxygen. She slammed her fist against the hard and cold material and spent her last bubbles of air to cry out, unwilling to accept this as the end of her journey. She heard something crackle inside her ears as the water pressure squashed her flesh and she knew she had drowned as well….- It switched and out of nowhere she awoke, looking around in her bed as in slow motion, but breathing rapidly and wide eyed at her dream. Her room was dim and just the moon gave some light when her white blankets reflected it. She shoved the covers away to get out and use the bathroom but something was wrong. She could sense it. When her fingers tapped into something that was wet and she looked down on herself and found all red covered in blood. "No!" she exhaled shaking her head in denial. Her underwear was soaked, her legs overcast in blood traces. She heard a knock on the door and turned her head to call for help but a cramp stroke thru her body and a desperate scream filled the room. Her body collapsed heavy and then it went dark._

"Oh my god," Lorelai awoke in shock, feeling the sweat all over her skin as she brought her body up to sit.

Her hand moved over her chest while she was breathing erratically. She felt her eyelids blinking uncontrolled and tears building, which welled up before she even had the chance to fight them back and to calm down.

"Oh no," she whined frustrated wiping them away. She brought her covers higher over her head and laid back down, curling up in a ball. She felt so helpless against her nightmares. They were haunting her almost every time she closed her eyes and they felt more real with every passing day. But it wasn't an option to not sleep.

When the sobbing didn't stop she turned her head so she would rest face down on her pillow. Who cared if she couldn't breathe well? She pressed her eyelids tightly together wanting to go back to sleep as fast as possible. Escaping the sadness that was present all the time she was awake. _Why were her dreams now filled with all the guilt as well? Wasn't it enough she was reminded when she was conscious?_

She felt the mattress moving underneath her.

"Look at me," a tender and quiet voice appeared close to her ear.

Lorelai shook her head not bothering to lift her face from out of the pillow. She wasn't surprised at all that he as always found her when she needed not to be alone.

"Was it that dream again?" Luke asked and let his hands glide through her hair, placing himself next to her.

She nodded and took a deep breath as to get some oxygen and tried to calm down.

His fingers let go of her curls and were gliding along her arms, encouraging her to come close to him now. "Hey," he whispered and tightened his grip, pulling her towards him. She didn't hesitate and crawled into his open embrace letting the tears free immediately as she finally looked up from the pillow. She grabbed his shirt and cried silently for several minutes freeing herself from the disturbing nightmare that showed her daughter lifeless and herself reliving the miscarriage again.

"I want it back, Luke," she sobbed. "I want my baby back." And with that a new wave of salty tears rolled over her swollen checks.

"I know." He shut his eyes as well for a second. She had a hard time letting go. She even spend several hours per day thinking how far along the baby would be if it was still inside of her.

"This is not fair." She whimpered, hiccupping with every word. "I want.." then her voice broke once again mumbling something inaudible.

"Shhhh" He tightened his hold.

"I want it back. Please I want it back," she spoke high-pitched as if to pray. And it was hard for him to see her like this. Of course he too wished the baby was still alive but he could at least accept what had happened, Lorelai seemed to be caught up in her sadness.

"It will get easier," he told her and lifted her chin a little so she would find confidence in his eyes. She studied his gaze while he wiped away some tears from her cheek. "You need to believe that," he reassured.

And she trusted him, had to. He was living with her now for over two weeks and every day it proved again that without him she wouldn't be able to do this: The coming back to her old life. She was grateful that he was so strict about some things. Like eating or taking a tablet for sleep when her mind was just thinking too much, not allowing her to rest. She often felt detached, like a picture in a broken frame but he would make sure that she didn't lose herself in all the mourning. He was kind and caring and even when it felt weird and awkward one third of the day with him, it was moments like this that she was grateful that he was with her.

"You go back to sleep, okay?" Luke stroke hypnotizing over her back "and I will stay and make sure no bad dream bothers you anymore"

She nodded and swallowed her tears to gain some control and soon it was just silent sniffs left before her breathing became settled.

She smelled him and her tense body fell into his hug. They were neither together nor really friends again but it felt like home laying in his arms with her face pressed in his chest breathing the heat through his night shirt, that was radiating from his skin to hers. Sometimes when they lay like this, she found herself longing for his touch, longing for his lips and for a connection only lovers share. It wasn't really sexual, attraction for sure, but they had been together for so long that now that it wasn't allowed anymore it felt wrong. And she sometimes wondered if he felt the same or if he wouldn't let his mind go there at all, maybe having moved on? But then he would hold her close without complaining, and even if he did feel torn between feelings he still had for her it wasn't the right place anyway for them.

She really didn't have any explanation how he was that strong, didn't fall apart, and was able to look over their break up and be there for her without showing his pain. She owed him a lot. And so she always tried to push away the lonely feeling the next morning after he had slept in her bed like tonight and was leaving her after she woke up. She knew he didn't do it on purpose to hurt her, just to keep some distant and not making the situation for both more puzzled, but she didn't like it.

Lorelai closed her eyes and snuggled closer to him, drifting off, listening to his heartbeat that was steady and strong. He too was allowing his heavy eyelids to shut eventually and soon they slept quietly.

°°°

It was half past six in the evening the next day. She yawned and walked into the kitchen with her half-empty plate of lasagna. She was slowly eating by herself again without Luke having to keep an eye on her. It had been impossible at the beginning for her to eat regularly but Luke had set some kind of routine for her. He didn't ask for much. He always said he was okay if she would just eat some pieces every time he made her food and because he knew that was really all she actually did he cooked four or five times during the day. And it seemed to work. At least she didn't lose weight and in his eyes she looked much better even though hers hardly showed anything other than weariness and sadness.

Lorelai placed the plate into the sink, when Luke entered through the back door, returning from grabbing some fresh clothes from his apartment. He smiled at her relieved. "You liked it?"

She nodded and smiled back.

"You're up for some desert, then? I was about to bake a pie."

"Aha! That's what in the mysterious bag," she said playfully pointing to the paper bag with his diner logo on top."

"You got me," he said flatly, asking with raised eyebrows, searching for a positive reaction.

She moved her hand over her forehead and down her eyes as to wipe away the light headache she had had all day but nodded, allowing herself to just find it nice that he would think of something like that.

"You're watching a movie?"

"Yeah." She answered quietly, leaning her head to the side silently, making an effort to ask him to join him later. He crossed the kitchen area to get all the supplies he would need for the cherry pie. Lorelai followed him with her eyes and changed her mind, thinking of leaving him alone.

She knew he needed the space he would have cooking alone. He was kind of inside himself a lot when he thought she didn't pay attention but she knew that it all pulled on him too. Even if he might not have wanted to marry her or didn't love her enough, the wish for a child with her had never changed and she knew in her heart that it would have meant so much to him and having it lost because of her must be not something he would take easily. She failed taking care of the little something and he had the want inside of him to still be there for her, the woman who lost the one thing she knew he would have truly loved. _If she could only turn back time._ The pout left her face as she decided it was okay not to bother him more than she had to.

Luke must have noticed her absent expression because when he went from the counter to the oven to search for the cake pan, he stopped a moment in his movement and brushed his hand along her arm until he had her fingers between his giving them a light squeeze, excusing himself soundlessly for being busy. She looked up. "I'll ..." she swallowed nervously and pointed with her finger to the couch. She could butt kick the awkwardness sometimes that filled the room within seconds without any warning.

And he looked right into her eyes, knowing as well that the familiar situation had caused memories of better times. "Okay," he said softly, letting go of her.

Taking a deep breath, she got some water out of the fridge before she started to head out of the kitchen.

"I hope it's not one of your cheesy chick flicks," he called after her, faking annoyance. And Lorelai grinned fully, knowing that he was going to watch the movie with her, thanking him silently for taking away the uneasy moment by mocking her favorite movie type a little bit.

°°°

Not three Minutes after she had sat back down on the couch to continue her movie, she heard her door bell ring. Groaning annoyed, she got up almost tripping over her own feet. "Don't bother, I'll get it myself," she yelled to Luke so he wouldn't have to drop everything.

When she reached the door and opened it, a mix of shock and surprise hit her. Being uncomfortable wouldn't have described it any better.

"Chris?" she said confused frowning her eyebrows.

"Hello Lorelai," he said quiet trying to hide the nervousness that rested inside of him.

"What… are you doing here?" she asked as being disturbed, shaking her head the same moment.

In response he grabbed into the brown paper bag he was holding, getting out a bottle of tequila, waving it teasingly in front of Lorelei and smiling knowingly.

Lorelai scratched her temple not really understanding what he intended to say with this gesture.

Seeing her puzzled expression, he explained quickly. "Well I heard from Rory that you went for the ultrasound two days ago and that you didn't feel well .. and you helped me dealing with my fathers death two years ago, so I thought I would come by and we could you know .. talk?"

"What?" she said, having nothing but fright and anger in her voice.

"Hey come on, Lor. You know this will make you forget everything for one night. You always went for that when something bad happened and I know you must feel horrible after the miscarriage."

She was breathing faster but tried to calm herself and closed her eyes for a moment. Then she spoke slowly. "I will open my eyes and you won't have a bottle of booze in your hands anymore, all right? And then you will ask me if I'm better and I will say yes and you will leave. And then we will forget that you ever mentioned getting drunk." Her tone was loud when she finished her suggestion.

"Hey! I'm sorry, okay?" he said and placed the bag on the ground beside him. "I wanted to be funny, that's all," shoving his hands in the pockets of his pants looking at her expectantly.

°°°

Luke heard Lorelai talking at the door but didn't really bother to take a look at first. But when he heard her almost yell at the person, he lurked around the corner and saw Chris. Anger rose almost as fast as a geyser that is about to explode but he tried to calm himself, waving to them shortly, knowing that Lorelai had to handle that herself.

"Everything alright?" he asked. _Nothing is wrong with checking._

She smiled lightly back at him and nodded "Yeah it's fine".

He gave her a nod and went back drying the dishes, but kept listening to the few words he could catch.

°°°

"What? He is living here now?" Chris whispered taken aback pointing into the direction where Luke had stood seconds ago.

"Yeah," she smiled shyly, "he helps me and is taking care of me. I need him," she said honestly looking back.

He shook his head almost laughing at her. "How fast things can change. Almost four month back he was the jerk who pushed you out of his life, and now…. Do I have to remind you how badly you felt that night?"

"Chris, why are you doing this?" she asked him sadly. "Why are saying that? Now that I finally feel a little bit better." She rubbed her arm sleeves down. She didn't feel well when he reminded her of that night.

"I'm just making you focus." His voice was strong. "Because you're obviously falling back and forgiving him for everything he did to you. I'm just telling the truth." He took a breath and narrowed his eyes at her.

"I haven't forgiven him, okay?" she barked back, "and the truth? Do you even know what you're talking about?" She took a step closer to him, looking him directly into the eyes "The truth is that I made a mistake that night."

"Yeah sure, put it like that." He waved at her and rolled his eyes. "If it makes you feel better." His gaze went onto the ground and he shrugged with his shoulders, not really knowing why she exactly was defending her ex all of a sudden. He looked up again to meet her eyes but she was facing away, seeming to be lost in thoughts, wrapping her arms around herself.

"You know," she started slowly. "You should have sent me home."

He looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

She met his gaze, showing her watery eyes "That night? When I came to you after the fight with Luke, you should have sent me home." It almost seemed like she was begging him to turn back time.

"You didn't want to," he said defending, getting louder with every word. "You begged me so you could stay."

She shook her head. "Still.." not knowing how to get tears out of her voice, "you should have known better," sniffing. "You should have sent me home to my fiancé and not have me sleep with you."

"You broke up!"

"I don't know what I did that night… but you should have sent me home," she stated desperately.

"You begged for it, Lorelai." He was staring right into her glassy eyes making his point clear to everyone who was listening. "You were there, taking off your clothes, telling me you needed me."

"I broke off with the man I loved, the man I wanted to marry one hour before, god dammit." She studied him, tears rolling over her cheeks. "Why did you not talk some sense into me Chris?" Her hands were gesturing as she let loose everything she didn't do that specific night.

He shook his head and frowned, staying calm. "Lorelai, I don't think this is fair now."

"Fair, Chris?" she was in rage now, asking with very high voice, "Fair? I was making a mistake and you knew it. I was heartbroken and I cheated on my fiancé that moment."

"You weren't…"

"I was Chris." Lorelai swallowed, finally allowing her mind to go there. "I was still engaged. My heart was in it." She got quiet then "and .. I never took the ring off." Her eyes fell down, feeling ashamed. _God, what a person had she become that night?_

"What do you want me to say now?" he asked lost.

"Nothing. Please don't say anything and go." She wiped the salty traces from her face and let her gaze wander into his. "I lost a baby, Chris. The baby I would have gotten if there would have never been that night. The baby I could still be pregnant with if we would have never had that fight over the stupid night, almost three weeks ago when the cramps made me to bleed it out." She had a hard time breathing calm. "Surely, it's not your fault but I can't handle you and your tequila bottle right now." She blinked new tears away while she remembered the talk with Dr. Luis two days back who told her that the fight with both man had been the triggering factor for her heavy cramps, knowing that without her having sex with Chris would have never pulled her so much down too care so less about her health. She hated to admit it but she had hurt her own feelings as well when it happened, just the denial had made it easier to justify it to herself.

"Please understand that I just can't right now, maybe never again, Chris."

He nodded defeated, his head sinking down.

"Have contact with your daughter but please don't come back here anytime soon. I know you never wanted this to happen and always the best for me but you didn't and I don't want to have you in my life right now. I can't. Us isn't about to happen." She took his hand in hers and squeezed it short before it fell out of her fingers. "Please leave me out of your life and take care."

He looked sad, "okay. But if you need help or anything…."

"Then, I won't come to you," she finished and smiled sad.

"I just wanted to say..."

"I know." She nodded, taking a few steps back.

He sighed and got the bag with the alcohol. "I guess I'll enjoy this alone then?" he asked lifting one eyebrow and chuckled half-hearted.

Her head shook lightly, "Goodbye, Chris."

°°°

She closed the door silently, not feeling well. It was coming back all of a sudden. The feeling she had the night she betrayed a bond she had asked to become a forever, the out of body experience she had after it when she thought she just dreamed, crying half asleep but still awake enough to know that she wasn't. The twisting feeling like walking on clouds and constantly sinking in, unable to lift her feet to stop her legs from sticking in the dampness. The darkness that crept over those days she didn't allow herself to think for a while only to collapse later on the couch to cry the sadness out. The shrink, the sick feeling that came in memory of Chris, just everything when she acted as in trance, fully knowing she wasn't but too far away from reality in her mind to stop it.

She went to her couch and sat down, deep in thoughts. She felt queasy and put the blanket from the couch around her, resting her head against a pillow.

Luke came just then, carrying two plates with warm fresh cherry pie. As the smell reached her nostrils her head went to the opposite side. Her lips were expressionless and her glance empty.

"Here," he said handing her the pie but she just looked at him with big eyes, shaking her head.

He took a deep breath. _Not this again!_ "Lorelai?" he asked, assuming that her lack of appetite had to do with Chris' visit and their talk. In fact, he knew it must have. He had only heard pieces but enough to feel down as well.

"I'm not hungry anymore," she mumbled tugging the blanket under her feet and lying fully down, withdrawn from him. She seemed far away in thoughts.

He placed the pie on the small table and took another oxygen loaded breath before he settled and spoke. "Tell me."

Her head shot around in an instant not believing he was asking this now. Right here as they were dealing with everything but them.

And it was the wrong moment for them to talk. He knew himself they had other things to worry but the moment presented itself, sucking both into its uneasiness of the memory. 113 days back when she came begging him to elope. He sensed she needed to get it out and even though he knew it would hurt he could not let this moment pass. It would come back.

"What happened that night, Lorelai?" and his voice was the one of a purring cat, giving her confidence to open up.

Her eyes glided worried into his as she put herself slowly into a sitting position. _You really want to know?_

_Yes._ Rubbing his palm over her covered leg, reassuring her he wouldn't freak. He was not prepared for what might come out her mouth but he was seeing her everyday and the lost child was a result of her not dealing well with their separation. He had to know now. They needed to talk at some point. And it seemed to be now.

Her eyes went shut for a minute, then she started to talk. "You were slipping thru my fingers. I had felt it for a while but stayed silent…" She shrugged, looking at her hands. "Not wanting to push you, not wanting to interrupt you from getting to know your daughter… but you started to keep me out of your life, finding excuses for not staying over at night, for not letting me get to know April, for postponing the wedding?" Her gaze fell on his, asking him silent for agreement. He didn't flinch, just listened so she went on. "When someone told me that night I didn't have you, I snapped. I was afraid because I felt it could be true. But I wanted to have you." Her eyes got watery. "Everything. Like you had me. All of me." And she sniffed, blinking several times. "I wanted it back. You, looking at me like I'm yours. But I had to admit to myself that it seemed like you didn't want me anymore, Luke. Not in your new life with your daughter and I needed to do something! I needed to know… if it was true that I was just waiting for you to walk out of my view or if there was hope."

A tear escaped her eyelids, running over her smooth skin, disappearing into her open mouth to get swallowed by her. His pupils scanned the room, finding something to say back. "So, the ultimatum was…"

"My last call," she said plainly.

He looked down, still processing. "You went to Christopher," he said without any emotion in his voice.

She nodded fierce. "I did. First, I just wanted to talk, having his eyes adoring me. Someone who could give me what I had missed from you the last months. Then I got angry and sad and I don't know I just wanted to end it." Her eyebrows wrinkled, getting back the thoughts she had had that night. "You didn't love me anymore so I wanted to take my love away from you as well and hurt you. Cause you pain like you did to me."

"So you slept with him." He tensed his jaw and she looked at him sadly, sniffing silently until her chin began to tremble, breathing rapidly, letting the sound of regret wash over her throat.

"I did." Fully tearing up, "I did it on purpose, Luke," remembering how her trembling hands had put the diaphragm in place while being in the bathroom, already getting rid of her underwear.

He swallowed hard, blinking to fight the water in his own eyes.

"And it was so hard, Luke" she cried, "But so easy at the same time." Her face a field of horror, "To let him kiss me and push me down and have sex with me. And I didn't even fight it one moment, Luke… I practically ..."

"Stop," he whispered desperate, closing his eyes and fighting the image in his head.

She looked at him glassy. "Please, Luke, believe me that I'm so sorry. But I needed it to be over. I wanted out."

"And you couldn't have just said that?" He was awfully calm, making her to free more tears.

"No, you would have never let me. I needed to do something so you would refuse me. I had to sleep with him. I needed to end this. And I needed to really screw up, otherwise you would have knocked on my front door and you would have kissed me and taken me back in but I couldn't let this happen. I wouldn't have been able to resist…. I needed to end it for my sake."

He was shocked. "Was this relationship so horrible for you?" he said showing his hurt.

"Of course it wasn't," her voice had become raspy from all the crying. "I loved you so much but you didn't want to marry me anymore. And when you didn't say yes to the elopement, when you didn't come after me, I felt it." A shaky hand tugged a hair strain behind her ear as she continued "The feeling of what it's like when your heart shatters and to not be loved by the man you truly want to spend your life with and it was the only moment that I was strong enough to hurt you and to want out. To speak up and..."

"I hadn't seen you in days." He suddenly shouted at her, getting up from the couch. "You were avoiding me! What was I supposed to do after you came, being barely yourself, having this now or never thing throwing at me?" His eyes burned into hers, requesting an answer that wouldn't just leave another giant questions mark in his head.

"Then why, Luke, did you let me walk away?" she asked instead, with her hands begging him to understand her behavior at least a little bit.

He didn't know. He just didn't. Maybe he hadn't thought that it was a goodbye? But then his fiancé had needed him and he had stood still not knowing what train had hit him just minutes ago.

He shook his head and glanced speechless at Lorelai after a silent moment. They shared a helpless look. Broken and defeated by their wrong choices, not knowing how to continue. He inhaled and sat back down on the couch staring on his feet. "Did it work?" he asked quiet, having his voice back.

"What?"

"Did it help you to forget me? Did it help you not loving me anymore like you planned?" And he let his eyes sink back into hers.

She just shook her head, her gaze focusing away.

"Then why do you think I could stop loving you from one moment to the other? Do you really think this is how my promises to be 'all in' with you work?"

Her lips curled down again as she admitting shook her head again, pressing some left tears through her lids.

Then the stillness hung again like black pall over them, putting a temporary closure over the subject. They had spoken, finally. But the wound was hurting even more now. They had messed up by stupidity. The blood of their miscarried child was on their hands.

"And now?" she turned her head looking at him again.

"Nothing is now." He said sadly. "We can't forgive, so we just carry on living as it is, I guess".

Silence.

After a while she took her eyes away and pressed the button on her remote control, getting the movie back on. He reached for the plates and handed her the pie. She knew there was no way she could ask to refuse it this time. It was out of the question. For some reason the oddness from the last two weeks was replaced with thick tension. Nothing had changed and yet it had. She sank down onto the couch again, wrapping the blanket closer around her. It felt suddenly very cold in the room.

°°°

Later that night when they were sitting quiet, watching the closing credits from the 'happy ending' movie for over a minute roll over the screen, she seemed absent, deep in thoughts slightly chewing on her fingernails. Her mind had started running on its own the moment the female main character, who had become a lesbian, jokingly told her ex-husband she will name the offspring after his father if he doesn't finally sign the divorce papers. It was silly to compare the situation in any way to her and Luke but she did. They had confessed something tonight and it brought back a need that didn't present itself as an empty phrase of affliction anymore in moments she thought about their lost child. And it wouldn't go away.

So he didn't even notice when she turned her head and studied him for quite some time.

And it was when he wanted to get up to turn off the TV that she started to speak. It probably was the least perfect moment she could have chosen but it slipped out of her mouth before she even could think twice about.

"I want it back, Luke," and he looked at her "I want the baby back," and her glance was honest and vulnerable and hopeful and she was exactly aware of what she was asking him for.

°°°

_**To be continued…**_

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_hehe :D:D _


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